Welcome to another spring, the season of fresh hope and naiveté. Right now, countless gardeners from coast to coast are eagerly awaiting the first tender peas and greens from their vegetable gardens. Nothing beats the pure flavors of your own home-grown food. Right?
I’m not here to dispute that, or to talk you out of this horticultural odyssey. I just want to prepare you for what people don’t tell you about growing your own food.
You see, it’s not all Barefoot Contessa traipsing out back to snip fresh chervil and frisee from perfect little rows. Oh no. First of all, pro chefs such as Ina Garten have a staff, OK? Gardening takes a lot of work—more work, in fact, than growing flowers and ornamental shrubbery.
So feast your eyes on all the annoying things you’ll learn when you try to grow your own food.
1. Carrots take forever…
They do! You plant the seeds in March. By late May, you pull one up just to see and it’s the size of a pencil. Buzzkill.
2. … but other plants grow too fast and strangle the slow ones
I love having a regular supply of fresh mint. But it’s what’s called a “vigorous grower.” Same with strawberries. They send out shoots and take up a lot of space and will crowd out other plants if you let them. So keep mint in a container where it can feel like the king of the mountain.
3. Plants are hella thirsty
If, like me, you do container gardening on a city apartment rooftop, you’re going to need to soak your plants pretty much every night. This is especially true through the hotter weeks in summer—it’s pretty much a part-time job. If you can automate this task with timed sprinklers, do it. But beware the internet search K holes: If you want to know more about water-efficient irrigation systems, there’s so much information on the internet you could spend all night reading about them. And you probably will.
4. Plants are prolific in inverse relation to how much you like them
Note how everyone is always trying to get rid of their zucchini. Does anyone love that vegetable? Like, really, really love it? Meanwhile that finicky little heirloom cucumber plant sends out three cukes and then decides it’s done. Why?
5. Aphids are tough little buggers
You may not notice them at first. Instead, you notice your nasturtiums aren’t flowering as much, or the blossoms are dying quickly. Too much water? You examine them closely, and then you see the masses of tiny green bugs sucking the very life out of your once-healthy plants.
These are aphids, and they seem to show up just when it’s getting hot, especially if you haven’t watered your plants in a while, which makes them more vulnerable.
At any rate, if you plan on eating your nasturtiums and don’t want to coat them in poison, you can painstakingly wash off the aphids with dish soap and peppermint oil. But guess what? Bathing your garden takes the workload to a whole new level.
6. The caterpillar, it’s hungry
Aphids are just the beginning of the pestilence.
7. Squirrels!
Or rats. Or rabbits. Or deer. Or your dog. Or the neighbor’s kid. Just when your tomatoes reach peak ripeness, you go outside to harvest them for dinner and witness the destruction. Someone’s gone and taken a couple of bites out of every single fruit on the plant. The invader couldn’t just steal one tomato. Oh no. The greedy little beast had to go and taste every single one, like your garden is some kind of Whitman’s sampler of chocolates. It’s heartbreaking. This is why some people wrap their tomato cages in layers of chicken wire. This is also why some people stop gardening.
8. Organic isn’t magic
If you’re the type to grow your own food, you may also be the type to eschew chemical fertilizers and pesticides. Good for you! Now roll up your sleeves and get ready to work 10 times as hard at your garden. I hope you love pulling weeds.
9. Compost isn’t ‘free’ food for your plants
In theory, composting is brilliant. You get rid of your kitchen scraps and garden clippings, and you come out with food for your plants. Everybody wins! Unless you’re lazy, because compost is a demanding creature that needs regular stirring. And you’ll want to maintain the pH balance; if that’s off, it’ll smell horrendous, even worse than the cloying funk it’s supposed to smell like when you do it right.
You should also know that not everything decomposes at the same rate. Orange rinds, for example, are extremely slow. Get ready to spend hours arguing with your household members over what is or is not compostable. I like that part especially.
10. Sometimes plants just don’t bear fruit (or veggies)
Did you do something wrong? Maybe. Maybe not. Sometimes the seeds are bad. Sometimes there aren’t enough pollinators around. Most times it’s a mystery.
11. You can’t go on vacation
OK, you can go on vacation. But you’ll need to hire (or bribe) someone to care for your garden while you’re gone, because what if a drought descends and shrivels your lemon balm while you’re gone? Growing food is akin to having a pet—it needs constant care.
12. Having a garden is like having kids
Yet another analogy that’s spot on is that gardening is like having kids, in the sense that everyone’s eager to tell you’re doing it wrong. I’m just sayin’, gardeners are some opinionated people. (Note: You are about to become one of these annoying, opinionated gardeners. It’s going to happen. At some point, you’ll catch yourself handing out unsolicited advice about how to stake green beans. And you’ll think, who am I even, anymore?)
Suffice it to say, I’ve since moved to an apartment without outdoor space, so I no longer garden now. (FWIW, indoor gardening doesn’t work because there’s no way to pollinate the plants—unless you’re also an indoor beekeeper, which we don’t recommend.) I also shop for fruits and vegetables at the market.
I miss gardening, despite all of its annoyances, but I’m enjoying my summer a whole lot more.